My Sister

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. I don't remember our mother being pregnant. I don't remember my sister being born. But I should. I was 4 1/2. I do remember moving to our new apartment. I don't know why I don't remember my sister when she was a baby. I do remember my mom holding a baby and crying. It had to be my sister. My sister had dislocated hips when she was a baby. I remember when my sister could crawl and laughing at how her hips in their cast could pull anything in their path with them. I also remember my mom telling me to stay away and not put toys in front of her legs. Did I spend a lot of time with my grandparents because of Dr. visits? Who knows. There is so much about my sister I don't remember. I do remember waking up and seeing my mom and dad watching my sister sleep in her crib. My dad always had my mom my the waist with her head on her shoulder. He would always help her out of the room. They would both be crying.

What I do remember is my sister doing things and saying things I wish I could. I can remember my sister, as young as 4 or 5 saying something to our parents or grandparents and holding my breath because she was going to get in trouble. No, everyone laughed. I can remember my sister's spirit and outspokenness. How I wished I could be like her, my little sister. I would try so hard to make people happy and here comes my sister. Herself. She would always say her peace. Sometimes it wasn't peaceful. But that was my sister.

I remember when my sister had her surgery. The first one. I was working at UPS and wanted to take a sick day. My mom said no, I didn't need to be there, it was for her, my dad and sister. Maybe those weren't the exact words said, but it was understood. I called the hospital about 8 times throughout the day paging my parents. I remember driving home at 5:00 crying because I didn't know if my sister was OK. I never felt so alone as I did when I walked into our house. I felt like an outsider. Then finally a call from my parents that my sister was fine. When I saw my little sister in the hospital, unable to move, hooked up to tubes, crying without knowing it, I realized I was never there for her. I never realized how much pain she was in. How I could have helped her, been a friend; but never was. I was so scared listening to her give herself Morphine. Listening to her dreams. My parents looked beated. Our Grandfather went to visit her and cried to me about what he saw. I never saw my Grandfather cry. It was hard; but it tested our family strength and we were stronger.

As scary as my sister's hip surgeries and recovery was, nothing prepared me for the next hurdle my sister had to conquer. My baby son was being Baptised and my sister came home from Arkansas to be his Godmother. Husband was so excited the night before because he said my sister was going to announce the next day, during the party, that she was pregnant. She never did. She went home and it felt like the next day she called my parents and said that she had a TUMOR. A big one. Another hurdle for my little sister had to go through. I can remember picking up my kids after work that day and my parents telling me that my sister had a 10lb. tumor. I'm going I told them. Help Husband with the kids, but I need to be with her. I couldn't stop crying. I was scared for her. I was scared of losing my sister. I didn't want her to be alone. No my mom said. It isn't your place, I'll go. Again. At this point, I felt like I wasn't suppose to support her. I felt like I NEED TO BE WITH MY SISTER, please let me. I did go to Arkansas to see her. After my mom came home. I brought my kids, which I always felt sorry about because my sister was in no condition to have 2 kids 3 and 1 at her house.

Since then, I feel closer to my sister. Maybe because we are both grown. I've always loved her and her spirit. I wish I saw her more. Her daughters remind me so much of me and her. Miss Mouse is quiet. Until a point. Like me. She needs to feel comfortable. Middle Mouse makes me laugh. She is so much like my sister. Whenever I see her I encourage her. I love to see my sister's spirit live on. Baby Mouse is just adorable. She will definitely keep Miss and Middle in line. I can't believe I have 3 beautiful nieces who have such different personalities.

Happy Birthday Sister. I love you. Look tomorrow for special pictures.