I just got home from spending yesterday afternoon and this morning with Grandma. Even though I just saw her Sunday, the difference in strength was very apparent. She still "looked" good. Her spirits were ok. She was tired from not having slept the night before, so I was hoping the weakness was due to tiredness. Not to be so. She was prescribed Morphine to help her sleep at night and for pain. Thankfully maybe she will be more "comfortable", but that also means the pain is there and hurting more than she lets on. This morning she was to weak to get out of the chair or couch without help. She had to put her arm around my neck and slowly I would stand up. She also didn't think she could walk to the bathroom. She used her wheelchair. At one point this morning she looked at me while holding her stomach and said she couldn't stand it anymore. In my head I'm screaming NO. My heart is screaming NO. What I say is I wish I could do more for her. She just shook her head.

The amount of sadness I'm feeling can not be explained. Grandma has always been my 2nd mom. There have been many times, up until 2 weeks ago, I would call her for advise. Call her and just tell her I needed to hear her voice. What I admire the most is that she never gave her advise to make me feel better. She always told the truth about what she thought I should do or say whether it was what I wanted to hear or not. She has definitely made me a stronger person. Always telling me to say what I feel instead of holding it in. Always giving me a comforting hug. I'll be up with her next week and any other time that is needed. I know that she is being taking care of, but I just need to see her as much as possible and maybe give her a little back.